Advice for talking to the opposite sex:
Remember, your not funny.

Lillian: I keep trying to remind myself that when Jesus closes a door he opens a window.
Mary: Yeah, so we have something to jump out of.
- Saved!

I always tell the girls never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously then you never get hurt. If you never get hurt then you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely you can just go to the record store and visit your friends.
- Penny Lane, Almost Famous

The well that is most often used gives the purest water
-Hebrew Proverb

A man was walking under a tree and a bird pooped on him - as this is supposed to be lucky, he decided to buy a Fortune 4 scratchcards ticket and won £24.00. The following week the same thing happened, a little bird pooped on him from the same tree! So he went and bought another National Lottery Fortune 4 and won £444.

He now spends time on Wednesdays and Saturday standing under that lucky tree, waiting for that little bird to.

After spending what can only be described as an extremely sordid night with a sexy and utterly filthy young lady named Gemma, I decided to cheer her up by texting her, detailing everything I was intent on doing to her the next time. Graphically. Grandma was not amused to receive this. Not fully understanding it and seeking guidance as to the meaning of some of the content, neither was my mother. My gran won't sit next to me at family events any more.