After spending what can only be described as an extremely sordid night with a sexy and utterly filthy young lady named Gemma, I decided to cheer her up by texting her, detailing everything I was intent on doing to her the next time. Graphically. Grandma was not amused to receive this. Not fully understanding it and seeking guidance as to the meaning of some of the content, neither was my mother. My gran won't sit next to me at family events any more.